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When going through security,
never put your food on the x-ray belt. They may claim
it is perfectly safe, but that's what was said about
agent orange and asbestos. If you stand your ground,
eventually one of the wand waving guards will oblige
you with a hand check. Your dinner and your future unborn
children will be forever indebted.
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The
$25 Upgrade
This
article was originally written for WineX Magazine. For more
stories like it, and a wine magazine with a bad attitude, check
out www.winexwired.com.
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The more I fly, the more I am convinced
that the true wonder of modern aviation is the transformation
of tasteless particles into something known as airplane food—the mystery cuisine we wouldn't touch on the ground that
causes in-flight passengers to salivate like Pavlov's dog
when the carts roll down the isle. I marvel at 12 hour old
omelets that are fluffier than one right out of my own frying
pan and microwaved steaks that glisten with perfect "grill
marks".
Despite what the airlines would like you to believe, airplane
food is created by scientists and accountants, not chefs.
Their mandate is to alleviate boredom and hunger, not tingle
the taste buds of a captive audience.
This summer, squatters rights in cattle
class for a flight between North America and Europe will average
about $700. Just out of eyesight, the passengers in business
and first class will pay thousands of extra dollars for a
few glasses of champagne, fresh baked cookies and a dressed
up version of the same slop they're serving in economy. Sure
the extra leg room and attentive service are nice when someone
else is footing the bill, but when we're talking about spending
your own cash dollars, forgetaboutit.
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| If you're a champagne flier traveling
on a (honey roasted) peanut budget, make a difference
you can actually taste with my $25 upgrade. This self-styled
upgrade lets you enjoy your favorite comfort foods, and
leaves you with money to burn once you've arrived at your
destination. |
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| Here's
the drill. Before a long flight, pack a bag with the following: |
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| 1 |
A take-out dinner from your
favorite restaurant (e.g. Chinese), or purveyor of fine foods.
Call in advance and pick it up en route to the airport. |
| 2 |
A selection of your favorite
snacks such as candy bars, fresh baked cookies, fresh fruit,
trail mix, mints, gum, gummy bears, etc. If you have any spare
room in your bag, pack a couple extra chocolate bars. They make
great in-flight currency and will go a long way in helping to
maintain your well-feathered nest. |
| 3 |
Your favorite herbal or specialty
tea bags (just ask for hot water). |
| 4 |
A bottle of water. |
| 5 |
A 16 ounce container of fresh-squeezed
orange juice. Only the finest bars in town use freshly squeezed
orange juice in their drinks. Even the passengers in first class
will be quaffing concentrated orange juice with their cocktails.
Order a vodka and ice or a champagne split, and mix yourself
a heavenly concoction. |
| 6 |
If you are on an overnight
flight, bring a fresh tropical fruit smoothie for breakfast
(available at larger grocery stores). When the flight attendants
have finished vogueing through their emergency evacuation procedures,
ask one of them to put it on ice until the morning. Your cotton
mouth will thank you. |
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Once on board, there's no need to
conceal your carry-on cuisine from the flight attendants --
a gourmet picnic is guaranteed to win you instant respect
as a seasoned traveler. Out of consideration for your fellow
passengers, a certain code of etiquette should be adhered
to at meal time. It's one thing for your cabin mates to ignore
the wafting aroma of Szechwan garlic prawns, but don't expect
them to restrain themselves on an empty stomach. To avoid
an ugly food fight at 30,000 feet, wait until those seated
around you have been served before unpacking your bounty.
After dinner, build yourself an airplane
blanket cocoon, slip on your headphones and retreat into your
own private world for the duration of the flight.
Now, if I can just find a place to
plug in my blender. . .
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